My mullet was out of control. I don’t know why my hair grows like that. My front hairs grow like a tiny baby’s and my back hairs are in a race to my butt. When I put my hair in a ponytail I look like the Justin Bieber My Little Pony Doll. Not awesome.
My mother decided I needed a haircut even before my regularly scheduled bi-weekly appointment because I had a baton twirling competition that upcoming weekend. During the fire portion, if I even swiped one little whispy of out of control mullet hair with my flaton (my word for flaming baton…duh) the whole building would catch on fire.
So…we went to visit Tabby, my stylist/mullet controller. I had a really hard day that day because my boss at PetCo told me I was making the dog ensemble smell like toe jam and Mollaria and Meg Hicknose told me that my pink jellies I love so much were way out of style and that twenty-something’s shouldn’t be wearing them. Brat-holes. All that I had gone through that day got me really hungry when I sat in the barber chair so I asked Tabby if I could eat a buttered bagel while she snipped away. I think that made her uncomfortable.
Anywho, the really bad part of the day didn’t come until mid-haircut when Tabby gasped at my scalp in horror! “WHAT TABBY?” I cried, afraid I was going bald or something.
“You have a wad of blue gum stuck in your hair! It’s really old and really hard!”
This was horrendously embarrassing! I wanted Tabby to think I was hip and awesome and now she was gaping at a piece of ABC gum dangling from the party portion of my mullet. “I don’t even know how old this is! It’s like a rock and you have a ton of hair stuck in it!”
I wanted to run out of Funky-Doos with my hair half cut and my snippet protector cape still on…but I didn’t, I decided to play it smooth and cool. “Oh…haha…yeah that must be my boyfriend um…John Daniel’s gum. We got a little hot and heavy in the back of my fifteen- passenger the other night!”
This seemed to get me back into Tabby’s Cool-Cat Club (that’s what I call it at least). As my mouth was spitting out more lies about my fake boyfriend John Daniels, in my brain I tried to get to the bottom of where this gum came from and how long I had been walking around with it in my hair like a nut crack. Then it hit me like a ton of shoes…really heavy shoes…almost like clogs. It was a week and 3 days ago and we were watching The History of Wild Rice in my Grain Studies class. I was up so late the night before working really hard on my personal choreography to It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy so I was super duper tired that day. Alls I know is one minute I was watching a native sniff a piece of rice, and the next I woke up with drool all over my desk and a lot of my hair in my mouth in an empty room…EVERYONE LEFT ME THERE! Fart suckers.
My mom had given me Cotton Candy Bubblicious that morning because she caught a whiff of my breath and said it smelt like moldy pot roast…rude. I should have questioned the gums location that day when I woke up and it was no longer in my mouth. I figured BoShelby, my nemesis who thinks she can talk to squirrels, took it because she really really wanted gum that day. I probably never felt the stupid wad because it’s on the side of my head that I always sleep on so it always looks nice and flat, why the heck brush it right!?
Well, I don’t want to bore you with all the gory details…but I will. So, because I just HAD to perfect my provocative dance moves to Shaggy and just couldn’t stay awake during the darned flippin rice film and then had to cover up my blue wad with lies of sexual encounters in my fifteen-passenger here is what happened:
1) Tabby told me she needed to cut the wad out and it was going to make my hair be a shaggy mushroom cut so I told her I would knife her if she did that and she squirted me in the eyes with her moistening bottle. Hence, now I have shroom hair and a blood-shot eye.
2) My mom was so concerned with my large van kissin (THAT DIDNT REALLY HAPPEN!) that she brought me immediately home to have the birds and bees talk and demanded I call John Daniels so she could speak to him so in a panic I dialed one of the six numbers I have in my pre-paid, the taxidermy store. My mom was really concerned about me after that.
3) I bombed my rice quiz and had to stay after to retake it, at which point I fell asleep again and got Big Red stuck in my hair. It’s still dangling right now but can we say hello to the only chance at cool I have left? The fade.
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